These log entries are intended to tell my story as it happened along with the emotions I feel in the present as I recall the event. I will give my personal analysis of the situation at the time and where my head was at.  Of course these are my memories and my recollection which might be a bit flawed as time has passed and memory formation is complex and often faulty.

So here we go.                                                                ~~~ "Existence Precedes Essence" Jean-Paul Sartre ~~~

I have been sick to my stomach for 2 days after launching the Skippers logs. I am by nature pretty introverted and self contained. Opening up on this website and eventually on my social media is so very strange and icky 🥴.  This is why it has taken me so long to launch this site and prepare for the book publishing.   My take has always been to put on a brave face and don't let anybody see you sweat.  Don't share your darkness or struggles in public.   Put on a happy face when you leave the house, or don't leave the house at all.   I will charge ahead, however.   Thank you ALL for reading my posts.   I do have analytics on this site and on insta, so I am aware of the general visitation numbers.  ☮️ Peace my brothers and sista's.  ☮️

After speaking and texting with Scott, I settled into my weekend.  On Saturday my nephew and his wife came over to peruse my attic for baby items, as they were expecting their first child.  It was a cold and dreary weekend as I remember.  I didn't leave the house and just felt doomy and gloomy.  On Monday I was NOT feeling great and barely made it out of bed, but I made it to work.  By Tuesday morning my body had shut down a bit and my mood was terrible.  I called out sick to work on Tuesday and again on Wednesday.   I did not hear that Scott had missed his gig nor that he was unaccounted for.   No one reached out to me -- at all.   I decided to go to the grocery store Wednesday around 1:00 pm.   Little did I know just an hour or two earlier, Scott's vehicle has been towed off from the same grocery store parking lot about 4 spaces away from where I parked that day.   I had completed my shopping and was waiting in a checkout line.   My cell phone rang.   It was a close friend of Scott's.  She simply stated, "Scott's been murdered."  I recall partially collapsing onto the grocery cart.

I tried to get my bearings and told her that I would call her back in a few minutes.   I got up to the cashier and told her that I just got some really shocking news.  Could she check out the groceries and ensure that I had my credit card and purse at the end of the transaction?  She obliged and I somehow got to my vehicle and loaded my groceries.  I got in the driver's seat and sat there dumbfounded for quite some time.

Sitting in my Toyota and once I gained my composure, I returned Scott's friend's call.  She told me there had been a body found up the Poudre Canyon on Monday and identified today as Scott. She said that the police were looking for his trumpet as perhaps the unfortunate event was the result of a robbery gone wrong.  I don't remember much else about that day. I know I would have reached out to my best friend Debby, a couple of close friends, and two of my sisters.  

I think grief and disbelief were the emotions of the moment. I don't recall being overwrought though, just shocked. I found online articles about a body located on Old Flowers Road and Pingree Park Road. I knew I had to get to work the next day, so I took a valium and a sleeping pill...

The next day on February 13th, I was fully expecting to receive a phone call from the police, but none came.  After work I went home and spent the evening theorizing with friends what might have happened to Scott. I looked at pictures, listened to music that reminded me of him, listened to old voice mails, and read texts between the two of us.  Got to bed late but with the help of Ambien, got to sleep. 

The next day I went to work, February 14th 2020.  I still had not heard anything from anybody (except the original phone call from his close friend).  I finally reached out to the manager/drum player of the Movers and Shakers and asked him who he had talked to in the Larimer County Sheriff's office. He gave me a name and a phone number.   I proceeded to call, and left a voicemail.  I stated who I was and my relationship to Scott.  I said that I would be happy to assist in the investigation.

I went home for lunch. Received a phone call from a friend who happened to work in the IT help desk. She said that two Larimer County Sheriff's investigators had been there looking for me.  She told them I was probably at lunch and they told her they would return later.  I jumped in my car and went back to work.

The stress and pressure was starting to get to me. I was a county technology employee in a county adjacent to Larimer County.  I went to see my big boss to inform him of what was going on.  He volunteered his office for the investigators and I to talk. Around 1:30 or so, I got a call that the investigators had returned. Technology is a secure facility, so I went and let them in and led them back to my office.  I closed the door.  They introduced themselves and explained why they were there.  I told them that I had called a person in Larimer County a few hours ago.  I gave them the number, they called it and it went to voicemail.  I guess that person was off that day. They seemed relieved that I had already volunteered my assistance.  They told me that they had an interview room prepared for me in the Weld County Sheriff's office.  They said I could drive my vehicle. They escorted me out of the building, one investigator waited for me in his car at the end of the parking lot, I fell in behind his car and followed. The other officer created a convoy and followed me in his vehicle.   The room where we were going was in the next building over a block away.

The first police "interview" / "interrogation"  of my life was too soon to follow. Indeed the "Feast of Saint Valentine." 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤💔 

Of course, there is enough trauma to share with everyone...

I believe that when confronted with life's challenges, each of us largely contributes to the creation of additional wounds, the festering of those sores, and the damage done to our own psychies. I went all in on the FREAK OUT aspect of this event.  The unknowns in the case early on, my ignorance of criminal law, lack of knowledge of general police procedure, and my own neurotic tendencies sent me and the people I know down paths that did not need to be traveled.

While I was waiting for the investigators to come to my office, I tried to call an old flame who was a judge.   I wanted to know what I should say, how I should handle a police interview.   The call went to voicemail.  I waited and waited.  No call back.  He later told me that this may affect his life and/or livelihood, and that is why he didn't call back.  

After the interview I went into my big boss's office and melted down, worried that I was going to be on Dateline someday as the guilty party for Scott's murder, for the first 30 minutes of the show.   He for sure thought I was crazy and overreacting.  But, I knew things he didn't...

Not knowing if they were going to take my phone or get into Scott's phone was the basis for much anguish, stress and worry.

In the hours after the "interview" I thought the responsible thing to do was to call a man I had recently dated that was a track and field coach at the Air Force Academy and inform him of what was going on.  I know he used government equipment (phones/ipads) to communicate with me and I wanted to warn him of the possibility that they were going to take my phone.  I am sure that made his day!

That same day, I went to a friend at work for support and she had me go talk to the IT manager that handled the sheriff's office and jail video recordings.   I was worried that my co-workers would be able to look at the interview and/or see transcripts.  Little did I know that all things related to the case were eventually available to the public.....  He assured me that he thought my privacy was safe. 

My best friend Debby spent thousands of hours discussing this event with me and at one time early on in the case, I really traumatized her as she had informed me that Heather (the 2nd victim and one of the original suspects) had got her nails done at my salon, the Tuesday after Scott was taken to the mountains and left there to burn - all alone in the Rocky Mountains.  I lost my sh#t with Debby and she was not right for a couple of weeks. 

On the same Valentine's day, two of my sisters came over in the evening to take care of me.   They both knew Scott.   There were items about Scott and I that I had to fess up about.  Then they talked me into driving by Scott's house that night.  Little did we know that we were being watched and followed.  The crime and both of those revelations left them a little off-center for a while too.

Another girlfriend spent a few random nights at my house, also watching out for me.   Talking, advising, theorizing, and care-taking.  My sisters and friends started a group chat excluding me, where they could discuss me without worrying about my unanticipated reactions.    My emotions were all over the board.   The trauma REALLY grabbed a stronghold of me on Valentines day 2020, and got progressively worse through the weekend and into the following 2 weeks.  The PTSD and chronic stress and worry continued for a couple of years - for a million reasons.

During the first couple of weeks one sister accidently said Scott had been dismembered.. I thought she had read something I hadn't seen yet.  I had a mental break that day and she had to witness and endure that.

To the less extent but justifiably difficult for people:

• 10 days sor so after all this started I was told that a director at the office had told his staff that my situation was to NOT be talked about until after the trial, since Kevin Eastman was going to be tried in Weld County (our employer).   

• The subject of Scott casually came up in a discussion with a manager one day.  I told him that he had met Scott once at my house.  He uncomforably blurted out to me, I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE MURDER!  That left me speechless.   Not sure what the genesis for that reaction was, but I felt bad that anything was said at all.

• Some people at work didn't know about the event for years.  Some did, spoke behind my back (heard through others) and never mentioned it at all.  These are people I worked with closely and every day.  They never said "Sorry for your loss" or "I bet you are having a rough time" or "Reach out if you need something".   Nothing.  That is when you find out who your friends are and who is just a co-worker.  I left that job 5 years later and only remain in contact with my friends.

Neighbors, distant family members, future boyfriends.  All were not immune from the vortex of the crime either.   

Scott's death was big news here in Greeality Colorado.  

Lauretta (the author and website creator) is led into an interrogation room at the Weld County Jail. It is Friday January 14, 2020, 1:30 pm 'ish.  

Let me catch you up. Scott's smoldering body had been found earlier in the week on Monday January 10, 2020 in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. Scott's dad, Stan had reported Scott missing on Monday also.   From a fingerprint scan at the scene of where the body was found (by a show plow driver), they had identified the deceased as Stanley Scott Sessions.  Scott had a criminal record, so his fingerprints were in the system for quick identification.  They had talked to Stan and to band members from both of Scott's bands (Movers and Shakers and Elvis Experience).   They had gotten cell phone tracking information on Scott's phone to see the approximate location of the last ping on his phone.   Scott's dad had indicated that Scott was headed over to Fort Collins to see some friends on the night of his disappearance. He also had explained to law enforcement about Scott's love life and the tumultuous nature of his most recent relationship with me.  The Larimer County Sheriff's office had coordinated and deployed over 20 police officers to Fort Collins and eventually Greeley.  On Friday morning they interviewed one of Scott's previous girlfriends Laura in Fort Collins (not Lauretta....) and then headed over to surprise Lauretta at work.

As a self described gum addict, I entered the interview room and asked for something to put my gum in, they gave me facial tissue and I removed the gum from my mouth, placed it in tissue and set it on the table. I guess I was giving them my DNA, without them asking... Turns out they had already gone through my trash and found hair and saliva samples.   I am not sure that collection of my trash was a legal search and seizure as I don't put my trash cans on a public sidewalk or street for refuse pickup.  I found out about this nugget of investigative evidence by watching the ABC 20/20 episode.  They put up on the TV screen a picture of my bedroom trash bag...   That is another traumatic event that I experienced on this journey, which I will speak of later.

You should know that the full interview/interrogation of me from that day is publicly available.I have not sought it out yet, as I don't if I could stand to watch it.  But I will plan on doing that, and comparing my memory of the event with actual footage of what took place in that room.  I will come back and make trackable corrections to these notes.

Scott's phone lost power from a depleted battery approximately at 4:00 am on Sunday February 9th.  The last ping that Scott's phone sent was to a Verizon phone tower located on Dayspring Christian Academy located at 3734 W 20th St, Greeley.   I don't want to put my address here, but let's just say my house number is plus or minus 13 (37XX W 20th Street, Greeley).  I am sure the police thought they had found their MAN!  And that man's name was Lauretta.

The investigators were very professional and I was very stressed. They asked me about the last time I saw Scott, which had been in early January at a show in Fort Collins at Avogrado's Number.  They asked when was the last time I spoke to Scott.  I told them Friday February 7th.  I got the exact time by looking at my call logs on my phone and showing them.   They asked about what we talked about on that last phone call.  Earlier in the Skipper's notes, you can see what we talked about.  I showed them the text messages that I had sent to Scott after our phone call also.  One of those is listed in the Skipper Notes too.

As I recall, at this point in the interview, the lead investigator was very careful about how he asked the questions and what he said.  He said some very vague things about what had happened to Scott and asked a lot of open ended questions, which of course I fed right into with way tooooo much information. I am sure the investigator thought that if  I was the killer, this conversation needed to hold up in court. Again, had I known what I know now, I would not elaborate as much as I did, I would not add all the extra information and I would only answer with only exactly what was required.  You ask, why would it matter Lauretta, if you are not guilty? Because this conversation was listened to and analyzed by law enforcement, district prosecuting attorneys, defense attorneys, media outlets, tv producers and writers and it goes on and on.  These people talk amongst themselves, to their co-workers, to their spouses, and to their friends.  Some of these people - I worked with, lived in the same neighborhoods with them, were friends with my friends and neighbors.  It was crazy what I didn't know about what people were saying, and what I actually heard that individuals were saying.  Ideas, theories, culpability, evidence, types of weapons, etc.  Things about me and details about the investigation from court workers and court attendees. It goes on and on.  I didn't know this is how the world worked.  I was truly stupid and naive.  Of course this is how things work.....People are only human.

In subsequent posts I will elaborate more on this "interview."

Please take my advice. If you ever find yourself in an interrogation or interview, just answer the questions minimally. This is not a judgement on law enforcement in any way.  Speaking less is a way to protect yourself and your privacy.  Had I felt that my privacy was still secure, I probably would NOT have created this website, went on 20/20,  nor exposed more information in these Skipper posts.   "Never let your tongue be your worst enemy." — John "Sonny" Franzese 

Peace out, Lauretta 

There were two investigating officers in the interview room with me.  There was not a "good" cop and a "bad" cop - they were just two guys trying to find out who killed Scott.  At the beginning of the questioning, I was their best bet. At this point I didn't know that Scott's cell phone last pinged 200 feet from my house. I didn't know that Stan (Scott's Dad)  had thrown me under the bus in his version of a story about an incident with Scott and I that resulted in Scott getting arrested. I didn't know that they had just spoken to the ex-girlfriend that came before me. I knew nothing except what I had heard that day in the King Soopers Parking Lot from his friend, 48 hours earlier.

If there was a nugget of information that I could provide to investigators that helped them find Scott's killer, that was my goal. I told them where he filled his vehicle with auto fuel. I spoke of his daily habits.  They asked about anybody that Scott owed money to or had a "beef" with.  They referred to a conflict with a music promoter from the Elizabeth Hotel / Magic Rat venue.  I told them that I thought it was all bluster from Scott and didn't think that was anything worth pursuing.  

Recalling to them and the recording equipment that the last time I spoke to Scott I could sense that there might be another woman in Scott's life as he was being a little cagey and didn't ask me to hang out over the weekend.  I had felt relief that he was finally moving on. I admitted that I was still in contact with and occasionally "saw" Scott even though there was a court ordered restraining order on Scott that prevented him from being within 100 feet of me, texting me, or calling me. We talked about the incident that resulted in the restraining order. The reported skirmish was a bit of a sticky wicket for me as Scott is the one that called the police that evening (July 15, 2018). I was surprised when the police showed up at my door that evening in 2018. I will tell that story in another post.   

I told them that I knew that his ex-girlfriend Laura had filed a restraining order against Scott a few years ago. I had found the associated lawyers paperwork at his house, one time when I was cleaning his place. I also mentioned that Scott had told me he spent time in jail over an incident with his ex-wife when he lived in Colorado Springs in the late nineties or early two thousands.   He got sent to rehab after that, for marjiana addiction, can you imagine that?!?!?  Poor Scott.  Also there were some issues with a woman from the Mormon church that he was seeing and one of her kids called the police on Scott as they thought Scott was stalking her.  I knew I was not the only crazy relationship that Scott had had.  That is why I felt that Stan threw me under the bus.

** uh-oh digression paragraph ** 

The personality trait that allows me to analyze a situation, see a myriad of possibilities and causes, paired with strong empathy and a good self-awareness that recognizes my own craziness and flaws --- keeps me in relationships, friendships, jobs, etc. longer than I should.  It is not that I want to fix anybody, it is that I understand what it is like to be broken, to struggle, to lose your compass in life sometimes. Scott's temper and alter ego (his name was Luther) - was scary and unpredictable. However, you could see that Scott struggled with so many aspects of life that I (and I suspect past girlfriends) just wanted to give him a safe space to calm down and feel love in a way that would benefit him in the long run.  I think the Mormon church did a lot of great things for Scott but also screwed him up.  All flavors of religious fervor often result in the truly faithful having strong inner conflicts,  These manifesting into emotional or psychological issues - especially in those that have a predisposition or low tolerance for cognitive dissonance. I too, struggle with this but not with religion.  For example, the current state of world politics makes me anxious and overwhelmed because nothing makes sense anymore. Words don't have the same meaning as they did the day before. I get when you are told one thing, but it doesn't ring true for you.  Scott was in conflict with his church, his politics, and with himself the whole time I knew him.  

Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced when holding two plus contradictory beliefs, values, or behaviors. Proposed by Leon Festinger in 1957, it causes psychological tension, prompting people to rationalize, justify, or change actions to restore consistency. It causes feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment. 

 ** end of digression paragraph, sorry  ** 

Fan girls.  That is what I called the women at gig shows that grabbed the butts of the band members, gave them kisses, flirted, and otherwise tried to feel their wild oats.  I am sure the atmosphere and the liquor played a big part and I always thought that it was pretty harmless.  I talked about that with the investigators too.  Could one of those women be part of Scott's gruesome death?   Side note, even though it was never talked about in court, Scott had met Heather in November of 2019 at a show at "Dazzle Denver." approximately two and a half months before Scott was killed.

Law enforcement never called me a suspect, a person of interest, or any other title. During that time in that examination room I didn't contemplate, even for a moment that they thought I could have killed Scott.   

The interview/interrogation/questioning continued. 

I am probably not recalling the exact wording that the investigator used - as it does NOT sound like what a policeman might say.  But, I  still remember the investigator's face when he said that to me about midway through the questioning.  I think the  suspicion was still targeted at me, and he was trying to rattle my cage.   But that remark rattled around in my brain for 9 months, until the preliminary hearing in October of 2020 in the Weld County Courts.   I had no idea how Scott was killed, where he was killed or much of anything related to the actual murder.  I heard rumors along the way, but my brain spent endless hours hypothesizing what might have happened.  Everything from torture, dismemberment, violent rape, or forced drug injections.  You name it.  I went dark and I left myself with emotional issues that I am not sure I have fully recovered from, even today.   Sometime after the preliminary hearing, I talked to the lead investigator and I told him about my mental pain over this element of the murder.  He stated to me: "You could have just asked me, I would have told you." ....................ugh......................................

As the questioning continued, they asked if I had his email address, I gave that to them.  I believe that is when everything changed.  As I understand now, there was an investigator at Scott's house while I was being interviewed.   I think they were in constant communications with this police officer.  This guy had found a list of passwords, and I think that knowing his email gave them the ability to get authorized and get access to Scott's facebook messenger.  All of a sudden the mood of the interrogation room changed dramatically.  The lead investigator looked distracted and agitated.  They abruptly thanked me for my help, ended the interview and the 6 foot 6 inched investigator walked me out to my vehicle.  He told me about all the police that were combing the streets of Fort Collins and assured me that they were going to find out who did this to Scott.

In later conversations with the lead investigator, I was told that that moment in the interview that I refer to in the last paragraph was when they got into Scott's facebook messenger account and found out about Heather.  He said they raced south on 35th avenue towards Heather's apartment.  In that car ride, he said that he told his partner that he didn't think I was capable of murder.  

For a long time I pictured "the Calvary" racing down 35th Avenue, a street I know so well.  I know these guys could not do much without a warrant or anything else, so I am not sure about the specifics on this day for the police.  I do know that they put up a camera pointed at the parking lot and the "walkway" to Heather's home.  ** Remember this camera and the walkway.  **  The camera.. for another Lauretta trauma story that occurs 2 days later.  

That specific walkway....  I knew it well - too.  After I learned that Scott had been murdered in that apartment (information was released in a preliminary hearing in October 2020)  I created an image in my mind that got me through the darkest moments of this long ordeal.  I can still picture this vision clear as day.  In my heart, I believe this is exactly how it played out. On that fateful Saturday evening when Scott was summoned to Heather's apartment, he got out of his car and literally skipped up that concrete path, he had just put on expensive cologne and had a spearmint lifesaver in his mouth.  He was humming a tune because he thought he was going to spend time with someone he liked and there was a good chance he was going to get laid.  His heart was filled with song and joy until the very last moment when his throat was slit.  I have done much research on how long a brain still processes information after the spinal column is severed.  I might share that later.  I still believe that there was only a few seconds that his body automatically fought back. His brain never understood the gravity of the situation.  His brain went into sensory overload and was filled with vibrant colors and loud vibrational sounds.   

In my mind, Scott was happy and ecstatic the very moment he died. 🎺 ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹I am so thankful for this notion.  

For the record, I am going to repeat this fact many many times.  Scott was NOT a JAZZ musician.  He did not play jazz and was not particularly fond of the genre.  He played many other types of music, but Rhythm and Blues, Funk, Soul, Rock n Roll - those were his jams.

That is it for this post :-) 

In my world, the 70's, 80's and 90's seems like a simpler time.  Was it? probably not.  My parents, the school system, family, news outlets, etc. kind of protected us from all of the ugliness.  If you were lucky like me, there were no major traumas or crimes in my circle of influence.  I was valiantly fighting for the rights of the marginalized and we were slowly progressing forward.  It was slow but moving in the right direction.  I remember having a meltdown with the bank on a refinance of my home, because I wanted my name as primary on the loan. I made more money than my husband at that time, but I felt that it was time for women to be acknowledged for all that they do in the home or outside. The bank would not make me primary on the mortgage loan. That was in 2002. Alas, we were striving for a more perfect union, fairness and blah blah blah.  The future was bright.

You see yourself in a certain way.  Always trying to do the right thing, perfect credit score, clean home and yard, nice car, vacation home, volunteer, philanthropist, etc.  Then one day someone you know get murdered. That naive and sheltered person does not expect to hear the things you hear.  You have always tried to do the right things.  Then someone says.. Yeah, me and the band don't really think you killed Scott.

After the police interview I went back to work. I went into my big boss's office and told him what had happened.  I was feeling  the pressures of the week and it was starting to get to me.  I said "what if Dateline comes to town and what if, and what if....." I was worried and melting down a bit.  He said to me "Did you murder him?".  I said, "Of course not."  Then he said "Well, then calm down."  Those words hit hard. I saw myself as someone that would NOT murder anybody.  I knew I was feeling the loss of a friend and that the story was complicated. 

That is when the change started happening for me. In the next few years, I got tough and weathered, and became hardened. For me, this all started in 2020 and the world was about to go through a shared trauma like none we had ever seen. Political theater  had reached an all time crescendo  in partisanship acts, rhetoric noise and lies dressed as hyperbole.  It all makes me laugh now or sometimes cry.  We had no idea how bad it was going to get. The future, quite honestly does not look bright. I learned a lot about people in those years and since.  We all have.  When I was young, people used to refer to me as effervescent (bubbly, vivacious, sparkling, exuberant).  I had no children, a great career and loved everyone and never said no to a party.  I was filled with hope and dreams. 

~~ I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth. Umberto Eco ~~

After all this heaviness I thought I would write a more cherry post

A video came up on insta the other day.  It has my favorite soundtrack: "Tony and Ezeqiel."   People cut animal videos over this dialogue audio clip and the results are fantastic and sooo funny.  4 or 5 years ago when I first time I saw one of these videos.  I laughed hysterically and then immediately got very very sad.  This was a video / joke that I would have immediately sent to Scott. No matter where we were, who we were dating, or life's current events I would have sent to him and waited anxiously for his response.  He would have called back and we would have laughed and laughed.  This is what Scott and I did.  We had a similar warped sense of humor.  He would come over with his joke gun, chamber fully loaded and try to make me pee my pants.  Here a link to a Tony and Ezequel instragram video.  **turn on the volume **  https://www.instagram.com/reel/DH2o3CbA8QF/?igsh=Ymw5bGxzdWQ4a3Iz   Scott would have gotten such a kick out of it.  

He had never heard of Dirty Johnny Jokes.  Those were from my childhood. They are now called Little Johnny Jokes.  I turned Scott onto these and we would search far and wide on the internet for new ones to see if we could get the other person to collapse from laughter.  Here is a clean one from facebook **turn on the volume ** https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1BYiMQteYE/

The reason I tell you about all this is because in my last post, I talked about the murder apartment.  For 8 1/2 months I thought that is where Heather was killed. Turns out that is where Scott took his last breath.  After this revelation, I did many strange things when I walked past the murder apartment with my dogs. I would bring little yellow ribbons and tack to the elm tree in front of the apartment.  I would also stop and talk to Scott a lot.  I thought that there might be a tear in the space/time continuum, right there on the front steps -  where Scott could hear me.. or something like that.  One of the topics of conversation was joke telling.  I would find a really funny joke and tell it to Scott - out loud - looking straight at the apartment.  I never got a laugh, but I kept trying.  

Eventually a woman moved into that apartment with young children and I tried to be less obvious about it.  She did put up a camera at some point.  That is when I stopped talking to Scott.   😔

The evening after taking the walk to the murder apartment, I still didn't know what had happened to Scott, where it happened, why it happened and who was responsible.  The police were looking for a murderer.  During times like these people think strange notions. My girlfriend and I were starting to imagine murder plots and insane ideas like that.  My girlfriend started worrying that her life was in danger. I did the same for a bit. I was really spiraling out of control. My friend and sister proposed that I call the investigator and speak to him. Calming my nervous system was number ONE priority.  I went upstairs to my bedroom and called the lead investigator.  He did not answer. I then attempted to call the other investigator, but during that effort, Justin called me right back.  I answered.

Upon explaining my mindset and why I was reaching out, Mr. Atwood was extremely accommodating.  He did not tell me that they had arrested a suspect that day, nor that they had found Heather's body. He assured me that I was safe and told me a couple of personal stories that I think was his attempt to settle my nerves.   One of the stories in particular was about a person in his life that had inadvertently caused another person to lose their life.  I reacted with silence and listened.  I will note that Justin was nothing but supportive on this call.   I did wonder though, was he thinking that I had done something to cause Scott's demise.  I had no idea what that story meant.  I ended the conversation and thanked him.

Quite honestly, the investigator did provide a little relief, but that story he told started rolling around in my neurotic brain.  Within a few minutes I was back where I started and in a state of extreme distress.

I returned to the kitchen.  My sister and friend could see I was still very very upset.  We decided that I needed emergency mental healthcare. My sister suggested my employer's EAP.  An  EAP is a Employee Assistance Program which provides Short-term counseling, stress management, grief support, and legal/financial consultations. I got on my company's HR website, looked up the number and called.  I explained the situation to the representative.  She said that she would have one of their on-call therapists contact me immediately.  I bid adieu to that evening's support staff (my best friend and my oldest sister) so they could go home and get some rest.   Within 15 minutes I was on a call with a therapist who did her job for me.  She calmed me, gave me some perspective and got me back on level ground.  She said that she would put in a request for 6 sessions with a local therapist and gave me the names of some companies in Greeley that they worked with.  I would call those in the morning to schedule appointments.  

I also sent a text to a medical doctor that I formerly used as a general practitioner.  I told him the severity of the situation.  He returned my text and gave me the name of a local psychologist that specialized in trauma counseling.  He did many molestations, rapes and murder psychoanalysis cases.  I would call this man as well in the morning.  My doctor friend did say to me:  This psychologist "guy" looks like something he is not.  I had no idea what that was about, but I would find out in the weeks to come. 

~~ I knew I had work in the morning.  Come hell or high water, I was going to make it into the office.  We had some employee pension issues that I needed to address.  Funny.  Looking back on my career I made such an effort to be a good employee/consultant/contractor.   Ignoring my own physical health and mental health to get the job done.  It didn't endear me to my employers, didn't get me promotions, nor did it directly get me raises.  It just cost me personally, and dearly!   My "career" advice is to make YOU the number one priority in your WHOLE life.  No one else is going to.  Managers remember the events of the last few weeks, not the amazing sacrifices and great work successes you had last month or last year.  Degrees of success in your job is different from employer to employer.  In most cases it is more about who you know, specific circumstances at a point in time, your personality, your looks, your race and your gender.  We all know this to be true.  Sorry, I digressed again ;-)  ~~

I will eventually come to realize why Justin had told me the story that he did about another person inadvertently causing the death of someone.  It was not about me at all (as it rarely is about us, and a sane version of myself would have known that...).  Justin is only human and was sorting through his own emotions after a very stressful week on this case.